When it comes to tastes in men, recently I realized I
actually have a “type.” I never thought
I did because I’m attracted to men who are seemingly so different from each
other. Then I noticed that they all have
some definitive common qualities that I personally find attractive - in essence
– a “type.”
Trying to articulately define my personal “type” is a
challenge. Using famous men as examples,
I like Tom Selleck, Joshua Jackson, Channing Tatum, Bruce Willis, and Josh Hartnett,
for starters. Different ages, looks, and
styles. So what are the common attractors? It’s always something warm and kind in the
eyes and smile, a depth of the heart and soul, a manly voice, and what I call “masculine
energy.” I need the “polarity” of that
masculine energy that calls to the very feminine and passionate “Ginger” in me
to come out and play. Without it, I don’t
feel any physical chemistry. Instead, it’s
only a friendship; men just feel like brothers to me.
While “chemistry” is not the only thing that matters (nor is
it the priority of important qualities by far), it is still necessary. I have to feel that attraction before I can
consider anything else. Does this make
me too picky? Shallow? An arrogant snob? A racist?
Un-Christ-like? A judgmental
hypocrite? No, far from, but I have been
unfairly misjudged and called all of these very hurtful names anyway. I cannot help how God made me. I am attracted to whom I’m attracted to and
cannot make myself attracted to those I am not.
Trust me, I WISH I could broaden that range. Having many more options would be amazing and
highly preferable. But, I can only get
in touch with the reality of how God created me and do my best to hopefully, use
that knowledge to choose more wisely moving forward.
Even for women, physical chemistry does matter, which, sadly,
I learned the very hard way, and why now I refuse to compromise this ever again. As a Christian woman, I have done my best to
trust in God to help me find that right man for me. But, prior to my marriage at age 29, I had rarely
dated (too busy happily serving God and enjoying being single) and had very
little experience with men. Essentially,
I didn’t have a “relationship tool box” let alone any tools to put in it. I had
saved myself in every way to belong to only one man all the days of my
life. I did everything the “right way,”
except I got the most important thing totally wrong – him. I had a lot of red flags but lacked
comprehension as to how to define what they were, so I was easily talked out of
them until I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. He was a good person, a true friend who
walked into my life and genuinely cared for me at a very painful time when
others were walking out of it. I
confused that emotional bond of appreciated friendship for “romantic love.” But we otherwise didn’t have an intellectual
or spiritual connection, and most importantly, physical chemistry.
It wasn’t until I later felt that chemistry for someone else
that I understood why my marriage did not work and how important that quality
is to the whole relationship. In fact,
after my divorce, I began studying and trying to learn the things I had missed
before. In the process, I got myself a “relationship
tool box” and began filling it with the necessary tools to help me. I started with a book by John Gray called, “Mars and Venus on a Date.” I wish I could
have given it to the “16 year old Wendi.”
I did not just read it, I devoured and studied it, with highlights,
post-its and notes on the pages, until it became like a handbook to me. I was determined to “get it” so I could then
get it right.
In this book, John Gray validates the importance of having connection
on all four levels: physical, emotional,
mental and spiritual. He also explained
how men connect those 4 in a different order than women do (see the book), explaining
why there are so many challenges in
dating. Just that validation and bit of
insight was a huge game changer for me.
It gave me a clarity and an empowerment I never had before and have not
compromised since.
I suppose I am writing about this because, of the 4 levels
of necessary chemistry (listed above), for me, the physical is the most
challenging, mysterious part. Unlike the other 3 levels, I feel the physical for
so few. And no one is more frustrated
about that fact than me. It has made
this whole journey far more challenging than what I want it to be. But, for whatever reason that God sees fit,
it is what it is. It’s still my job to
learn how to navigate these dating waters with what I DO have. Gratefully,
it’s a whole lot more than what I once had.
Yet, clearly, it’s a learning curve who’s waves I’m still learning to
ride.
And that’s my friendly vent for the day.
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