“The Other Side of the Dating Coin”

On one side of the “dating coin,” I have a very clear understanding about the kind of men who are attractive to me.  But, on the other side, what I’m currently confused and frustrated about are the kinds of men I attract.  A majority of these men are either too old for me (old enough to be my father or grandfather) or too young for me (young enough to be my son).  What is that?  Why is that?  I don’t get it. 

I have clearly stated in my online profile that I am looking for my “equal” physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally, but these are not the men I attract.  I am not some snob who thinks more highly of myself than I ought, but I do finally think enough of myself as I should.  I have been told by the many wonderful men in my life that I am the “whole package” of beauty, brains and heart.  (Bless all of you for such kind words!!)  But if this is true, then why I am I not attracting my equal?

Equal to me is (see my previous post, “OMG – I Have a Type”):  a relatively attractive and masculine man, as I am a very feminine, “girl-next-door” woman, someone who is mature but youthful (inside and out), grounded, intellectual, and classy but also down-to-earth.  To be “open,” I have included a range of 10 years younger and older than me, but I am finding that those with the most potential are more within a 5 year range each direction.  

I do not have delusions of grandeur thinking some uber-hot guy will ever look my way because I am not the uber-hot chick he is looking for.  I am not super model, celebrity material.  George Clooney will never want me romantically.  That is not equal.  However, I am not a wall-flower either.  I am a balanced, pleasant in-between, in the prime of my life.  I have never been better, more whole, complete and content in every way.  I am just looking for the same in a partner.

I am not lacking for male attention, but I totally don’t consider this a brag.  I do not have an ego that must be fed this way - on the contrary.  To be honest, all of this attention from men I am not interested in makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable.  I don’t want (or need) the attention of many unequal men, just the attention of a potentially right one.  Further, the last thing I want to do is hurt, offend, or reject men.  I find no pleasure in that.  Is it no wonder I am frustrated on a daily basis if this is my only experience?  Oh joy, I get to reject 20 more men today and not connect with anyone of genuine equal potential….  Not.  Not at all.  It goes against everything I believe in how to treat people.  And it is summarily discouraging.

So what is a lady like me to do?  How do I attract my equal?  Ten years ago, this was not an issue, but today, mysteriously, it is.  I suspect that part of the issue is indeed the age factor.  I look 10 years younger but regardless, many men around my age and of equal potential want “actual” younger.   And they want the uber-hot girl.  I am neither.  While I may be considered by some a “whole package,” I am still stuck in this “in-between” place of not being old but not young enough anymore either, and, not unattractive but not the uber-hot girl either. 

Further, it’s a challenge to provide a “highlight reel” in a profile that accurately permits others to know who you are.  It is just a limited amount of words and some pictures.  But it can never come close to revealing your character, personality, essence, and nuances.  Human nature is to make snap judgments which is why I intentionally take the time to really explore profiles.  I admit, based solely on what is provided in them, I have found some very attractive men who lacked in seeming character and have found some less attractive but have found them abundant in seeming character and thus, have indicated interest.  For me it is about the whole package.  I don’t want just a pretty box with a bow.  I want to open the pretty box and find treasure inside – hold the bow. 

I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining.  I’m just trying to be vulnerably honest in sharing the reality of my experience.  I’m open to learn how to connect more effectively with men – it is just so different on the Martian side of the coin.  I’m old school - I don’t chase.  But I’m a confident woman so I have no problem at least telling a man that I like his smile, that he seems interesting, etc.  Yet even this little bit still seems to lessen my appeal.  I confess that I just don’t yet know how to effectively do this.  I only know how to be me and hope that my genuineness resonates with an equal potential. 

Obviously I am putting myself out there because I eventually DO want to find “Mr. Right for me.”  God created us with that natural, human desire for fellowship and partnership and I am no exception.  Everything great in life is enhanced with someone to share and experience them.  And in those not-so-great times we all experience, it is a blessing to have someone there who truly cares in that special way.  And there’s nothing like a good hug at the right time.

In the grand scheme of things, I would prefer to remain single than to settle.  But I much more prefer to NOT remain single.  I’m a very grounded, content, happy woman, and not “desperate” to find a man.  I’m just that needle in a haystack looking for another needle in a haystack.  In all likelihood, because finding the needle takes time, I expect to be waiting.  And while I wait, I am in this process to learn and grow, which is how I am viewing even this part of the journey, no matter how frustrating.  After all, the friction of sand in a clam creates the pearl.  “Mr. Right for me” is worth waiting for.   And I will be for him also.

And that's my friendly vent for the day.

**NOTE:  I have taken many courses in the effort to learn, grow, and do relationships better moving forward, all which has totally helped me.  If you would like the benefit of any of these materials, please email me at: fourallthesingleladies@yahoo.com

“OMG – I Have a ‘Type’”

When it comes to tastes in men, recently I realized I actually have a “type.”  I never thought I did because I’m attracted to men who are seemingly so different from each other.  Then I noticed that they all have some definitive common qualities that I personally find attractive - in essence – a “type.”

Trying to articulately define my personal “type” is a challenge.  Using famous men as examples, I like Tom Selleck, Joshua Jackson, Channing Tatum, Bruce Willis, and Josh Hartnett, for starters.  Different ages, looks, and styles.  So what are the common attractors?  It’s always something warm and kind in the eyes and smile, a depth of the heart and soul, a manly voice, and what I call “masculine energy.”  I need the “polarity” of that masculine energy that calls to the very feminine and passionate “Ginger” in me to come out and play.  Without it, I don’t feel any physical chemistry.  Instead, it’s only a friendship; men just feel like brothers to me. 

While “chemistry” is not the only thing that matters (nor is it the priority of important qualities by far), it is still necessary.  I have to feel that attraction before I can consider anything else.  Does this make me too picky?  Shallow?  An arrogant snob?  A racist?  Un-Christ-like?  A judgmental hypocrite?  No, far from, but I have been unfairly misjudged and called all of these very hurtful names anyway.  I cannot help how God made me.  I am attracted to whom I’m attracted to and cannot make myself attracted to those I am not.  Trust me, I WISH I could broaden that range.  Having many more options would be amazing and highly preferable.  But, I can only get in touch with the reality of how God created me and do my best to hopefully, use that knowledge to choose more wisely moving forward.

Even for women, physical chemistry does matter, which, sadly, I learned the very hard way, and why now I refuse to compromise this ever again.  As a Christian woman, I have done my best to trust in God to help me find that right man for me.  But, prior to my marriage at age 29, I had rarely dated (too busy happily serving God and enjoying being single) and had very little experience with men.  Essentially, I didn’t have a “relationship tool box” let alone any tools to put in it.   I had saved myself in every way to belong to only one man all the days of my life.  I did everything the “right way,” except I got the most important thing totally wrong – him.  I had a lot of red flags but lacked comprehension as to how to define what they were, so I was easily talked out of them until I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons.   He was a good person, a true friend who walked into my life and genuinely cared for me at a very painful time when others were walking out of it.  I confused that emotional bond of appreciated friendship for “romantic love.”  But we otherwise didn’t have an intellectual or spiritual connection, and most importantly, physical chemistry.

It wasn’t until I later felt that chemistry for someone else that I understood why my marriage did not work and how important that quality is to the whole relationship.  In fact, after my divorce, I began studying and trying to learn the things I had missed before.  In the process, I got myself a “relationship tool box” and began filling it with the necessary tools to help me.  I started with a book by John Gray called, “Mars and Venus on a Date.”  I wish I could have given it to the “16 year old Wendi.”  I did not just read it, I devoured and studied it, with highlights, post-its and notes on the pages, until it became like a handbook to me.  I was determined to “get it” so I could then get it right. 

In this book, John Gray validates the importance of having connection on all four levels:  physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.  He also explained how men connect those 4 in a different order than women do (see the book), explaining why  there are so many challenges in dating.  Just that validation and bit of insight was a huge game changer for me.  It gave me a clarity and an empowerment I never had before and have not compromised since.

I suppose I am writing about this because, of the 4 levels of necessary chemistry (listed above), for me, the physical is the most challenging, mysterious part. Unlike the other 3 levels, I feel the physical for so few.  And no one is more frustrated about that fact than me.  It has made this whole journey far more challenging than what I want it to be.  But, for whatever reason that God sees fit, it is what it is.  It’s still my job to learn how to navigate these dating waters with what I DO have.   Gratefully, it’s a whole lot more than what I once had.  Yet, clearly, it’s a learning curve who’s waves I’m still learning to ride. 

And that’s my friendly vent for the day.

**NOTE:  I have taken many courses in the effort to learn, grow, and do relationships better moving forward, all which has totally helped me.  If you would like the benefit of any of these materials, please email me at: fourallthesingleladies@yahoo.com