"The Nerve"

When I was a Junior in High School, I had developed this wonderful friendship with a guy named Ted.  It was so easy with him, a genuine, natural clique.  I had such high regard for him.  We could talk about anything, I always felt safe to share my heart, and we also shared many laughs.  Priceless.  And yes, to me he was very handsome.  We had great chemistry, which was rare for me even then.  He would always say, "We are both such romanticists."  In my estimation, he was the kind of guy that could have any girl he wanted.  And there were many who did want him.  Yet, somehow, he enjoyed the dearest of friendship with me, and I was so grateful. And, even as far back as then, I was, of course, clueless.  I never thought he would ever be "interested" in me romantically.

Many months into a relationship with another girl, he came to me for advice about some troubles they were having.  I don't recall exactly how it came up but eventually I mentioned to him that I once had a huge crush on him.  He got very angry at me for never telling him.  When I pressed why it mattered, he said to me, "Because I had liked you to for so long and you let me believe I never had a chance with you!"  Needless to say, I was totally shocked.  It never crossed my mind that he would ever be interested in me that way.  I did not want to ruin the friendship I cherished so I just never told him how I felt.  I tried to explain this to him but he angrily said to me, "Well, you were wrong!" and walked away.  It took us 2 more days to work through that.  Needless to say, "our chance" had passed.  I blew it because of my own insecurity, ignorance, and fear.  Hard lessons learned.

As an older and much wiser gal, I have grown in confidence and security but find I still feel the same youthful nerves when I meet someone I am actually attracted to, probably in part because it rarely happens and in another part because I have such high regard for the man.  The memory of what happened with Ted, or didn't happen actually, comes right back to me like it was yesterday.   The downside is, my first instinct is still to believe he would never be romantically interested in me.   But the upside is, it's these very nerves that signal to me I have encountered someone with potential, and I am now able to confidently, quickly and productively move past that.

Though I am now able to express my interest, I am still “old school traditional” in my relationship values.  I don’t pursue or chase men.  By nature and design, men are the initiators and women are the responders.  As John Gray explains so well in his book (which I highly recommend), “Mars and Venus on a Date,” men express active interest and women express receptive interest.  Men pursue and women respond.   This does not mean women are powerless – we can always send the right signals of being open and receptive to the potential of a man’s interest.  If I had only understood that with Ted, he would not have felt that proverbial “wall” between us that led him to falsely believe he would never have a chance with me.

However, that door opens in both directions.  Ted failed in his part to clearly express his interest in me in such a way so as to provide the safety for me to respond to him with openness and receptivity to his advances.  I didn’t even recognize he was making advances.   Part of what makes a man “a man” are his protective instincts that long to care for a woman and his courage that compels him to take the risk.  So, I expect the man to have more giblets than me and be willing to at least equally put them out there.  I have learned, if you want to know what a man is thinking or feeling, look to his actions and not his words.  If he is interested, on some level, he will be motivated to pursue and provide something to which I can then respond. 

Dating takes a lot of nerve for both men and women, even at this late stage in the game.  I am no longer afraid of having the nerves, and I am no longer without having nerve.  Currently, I am only without someone who makes me feel both.  But now I look forward to the day I do.

And that is my friendly vent for today.

**NOTE:  I have taken many courses in the effort to learn, grow, and do relationships better moving forward, all which has totally helped me to date.  If you would like the benefit of any of these materials, please email me at: fourallthesingleladies@yahoo.com
 
 

"In a Dating Blues State of Mind"

Today I am feeling uncharacteristically blue. So, I apologize in advance for not sounding like my usual optimistic self.  I just need to share some "realness" here. 

It has been over 11 years since I have been a part of the "dating world."  After the sad ending of a 9 year relationship, I took some time to heal, regroup, and just "do me," as they say. I have never been better with me and my world, never more whole, secure and content.  I am confident about the kind of partner I am, and I'm excited about what I could have and share.

So, at the encouragement of some wonderful friends who genuinely care about me, I have "put myself out there" once again.  But after about 6-8 months of this, I am weary of it.  This butterfly in-the-making feels like climbing back inside the cocoon for a while - I may not be done baking yet.

I admit, I never thought I would be at this place at this time in my life - still single and dating.  I am not desperate.  I don't have to have a man.  But at my age, I just prefer to have the right one already. I should be enjoying, not still "looking".  Truth be told, I don't really want to look.  Looking is what we did in our teens and 20's.  I should be enjoying children and preparing for grandchildren like the rest of my friends. Yet here I am, 48, single, with a full and happy heart and life, but minus someone wonderful with whom to share it all.  Just feels so out of place for the whole of my life.   

Ultimately, in my heart of hearts, I know that God knows who, where, when and how. Since opportunities are limited, I have subscribed to online dating venues, just trying to broaden the scope through which God can bring along "Mr. Right for me."

Yet the whole process causes me such ambivalence.  Every day it is the same thing.  I am "matched" with men that are not a match for me, contacted by men I am not attracted to and do not want to reject or hurt, and I find myself at an unusual loss as to how to "connect" with the few to whom I am even remotely open. 

Add to this, I am pursued by married men who do not make the case for restoring my confidence in a man's ability to be faithful.  Additionally, many of my single male friends "get weird" on me.  I actually had one friend audaciously proclaim that he knew "damn well" that if he said he wanted to, I would totally want to get busy with him.  WRONG!  Seems I cannot be too warm and friendly with my single male friends, give them a compliment or enjoy their friendship too much.  Sends the wrong signal, God forbid, and they are so SURE they have me all figured out - that I "like" them.  Ugh  Who needs any of this?

Pulling up my big girl britches, I am just trying to kindly and graciously work with the hand dealt to me.

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to work on myself, trying to better understand men and relationships, and sincerely making the concerted effort to learn and grow.  I can humbly say, I am a gift for the man who has what it takes to capture my heart.  I am looking for the one special man who has the maturity to see past the superficial kindnesses, and even nervous awkwardness, to the depth of what a true gift that could be for him, should he be so lucky.  I am not the average bear in the forest on any level.  There is so much more good there than meets the eye. 

I am a mature woman looking for a mature partner and just ready to meet this uniquely special man already.  I am ready to get on with our lives, enjoy the journey, support each others dreams and goals, and look forward to growing old together.  Loving with all of our hearts - is that not the beautiful simplicity of what life is all about?  It is this treasured gift I hope to both offer and find.  Perhaps one day soon I might.... and gratefully and finally leave my dating blues behind... for good.

And that is my friendly vent for the day.

"Men Really ARE From Mars"

As I begin my dating journey anew, I have come to an interesting conclusion: when it comes to men, good grief, I am clueless.  I have genuinely endeavored to learn and grow, and grateful I have done so.  Still, I am finding myself at a loss in a way that perplexes me.

Since I was a little girl, boys have been some of my dearest friends.  I have always been a girlie-girl, preferring the company of boys.  No drama, just fun.  And they were so different from my sisters and me, that I found them very interesting specimens.  They are Martians after all.  I enjoyed riding bikes, playing ball, climbing trees, catching frogs in the creek, all of that "boy" stuff.  It is only when the little green army men came into play that I was outa there.  Seriously, throughout my life, I have counted men among some of my dearest friends and so grateful for such a blessing.  

As I have grown older, I realize that part of the ease I have enjoyed with men is because rarely am I romantically attracted to them.  Even as a little girl, when it came to boys, God made me so picky.  I am not a snob.  Totally on the contrary.  Trust me, if I could MAKE myself attracted to more, I would.  Having many options is preferable.  But for whatever reason, the whole pheromone factor in my DNA is highly selective.  I have learned the hard way how important it is for me to have that "romantic" chemistry.  I am a passionate woman and I need to have that very masculine quality in a man that triggers the very feminine "Ginger" in me to come out and play.  

Add to this, I am a very nice, warm, and friendly person.  No pretense or game playing.  I have never been the clingy or needy type.  I am just very comfortable being me.  While most people see this as a plus, there is this seeming downside to it when it comes to men and dating.  

First of all, men misinterpret my kindness as more than friendship, thus having 1 of 2 reactions:  "Oh no, she likes me!" or "Oh cool, she LIKES me."  And then they get all weird on me, changing the natural meter of our interaction from that point. Ugh

The second issue is, we tend to believe others are like us (and we cannot make this mistake with Martians).  I am a nice person and so I assume that when men are nice to me that is all it is.  I NEVER assume he is "interested."  Unless a man actually comes right out and tells me he IS, I naturally assume he is not.  See what I mean?  Clueless.  

I am just the kind of lady who needs a man to be as direct with me as he needs me to be with him.  It has such a positive impact - turns me on.  I don't chase men.  But a confident man (one I am attracted to) pursuing me opens up my heart to him as God designed it to be.  

And at this point is where it gets perplexing and frustrating for me.  Because if I AM interested, I am still going to be my nice, friendly self.  And this can be misinterpreted by men as me feeling more than I am in that moment.  Especially in the beginning when someone does not really know me at all.  This plays out more with the online dating venue.  They cannot hear my voice, see my face, feel my energy.  Initially, all that exists are the words written.  And if a man actually makes me feel a little nervous (that is a good sign for me!) then I might be apt to not be as articulate.  Normal for anyone.  I may mean one thing, but the man hears something totally different.  And THAT is my challenge; how to communicate in a way the remains genuine, but at the same time he hears the point I intend.

For example, I recall trying to compliment a guy for being quality, that he actually interested me, and he heard "snob."  He ended the conversation shortly thereafter.  Another guy asked me how the online dating thing was going for me and I replied that it was "interesting" so far...  that the online thing can be challenging....  he took it like I wanted to meet already, right after "hello," and shut the conversation down.  What did he know about me?  Nothing!  He had no idea how special he was to be among the few I was open to, let alone how slowly I prefer to take things.  I was merely open to him in a way I am not to most other men.  Open just means "open," not ready to plan a wedding!  And for me, "open" is a big deal.  But what I said did not come out right, he made a snap judgment, and it was over before it ever began.

I want to learn and grow and do my part, but I am not going to twist myself into a pretzel to do it.  I will put forth the effort but I need a mature man who is willing to do the same.  It is really going to take a special kind of man who can discern there is so much more there than meets the eye, all worth pursuing.  And to have that treasure, as warm as I am, he will have to pursue it.  My warmth means the menu is open, it does not mean they have the whole enchilada already.  

So, for all I have learned, I have so much more to learn to better communicate with men in an effective way, so that what I mean is what they get.  And I am looking for that special man who has the maturity to make an equal effort to understand the truth about me.  

Even with all of my frustrations in learning, growing pains if you will, I love men and the gift that God has made them to be in our lives.  Yes, men are totally from Mars.  But I love that they are.  I would not have it any other way.

And that is my friendly vent today.



**NOTE:  I have taken many courses in the effort to learn, grow, and do relationships better moving forward, all which has totally helped me to date.  If you would like the benefit of any of these materials, please email me at: fourallthesingleladies@yahoo.com