When I was a Junior in High School, I had developed this
wonderful friendship with a guy named Ted.
It was so easy with him, a genuine, natural clique. I had such high regard for him. We could talk about anything, I always felt
safe to share my heart, and we also shared many laughs. Priceless.
And yes, to me he was very handsome.
We had great chemistry, which was rare for me even then. He would always say, "We are both such
romanticists." In my estimation, he
was the kind of guy that could have any girl he wanted. And there were many who did want him. Yet, somehow, he enjoyed the dearest of
friendship with me, and I was so grateful. And, even as far back as then, I
was, of course, clueless. I never
thought he would ever be "interested" in me romantically.
Many months into a relationship with another girl, he came
to me for advice about some troubles they were having. I don't recall exactly how it came up but
eventually I mentioned to him that I once had a huge crush on him. He got very angry at me for never telling
him. When I pressed why it mattered, he
said to me, "Because I had liked you to for so long and you let me believe
I never had a chance with you!"
Needless to say, I was totally shocked.
It never crossed my mind that he would ever be interested in me that
way. I did not want to ruin the
friendship I cherished so I just never told him how I felt. I tried to explain this to him but he angrily
said to me, "Well, you were wrong!" and walked away. It took us 2 more days to work through
that. Needless to say, "our
chance" had passed. I blew it
because of my own insecurity, ignorance, and fear. Hard lessons learned.
As an older and much wiser gal, I have grown in confidence
and security but find I still feel the same youthful nerves when I meet someone
I am actually attracted to, probably in part because it rarely happens and in
another part because I have such high regard for the man. The memory of what happened with Ted, or
didn't happen actually, comes right back to me like it was yesterday. The
downside is, my first instinct is still to believe he would never be romantically
interested in me. But the upside is, it's these very nerves that
signal to me I have encountered someone with potential, and I am now able to confidently,
quickly and productively move past that.
Though I am now able to express my interest, I am still “old
school traditional” in my relationship values.
I don’t pursue or chase men. By
nature and design, men are the initiators and women are the responders. As John Gray explains so well in his book
(which I highly recommend), “Mars and Venus on a Date,” men express active
interest and women express receptive interest.
Men pursue and women respond. This
does not mean women are powerless – we can always send the right signals of
being open and receptive to the potential of a man’s interest. If I had only understood that with Ted, he
would not have felt that proverbial “wall” between us that led him to falsely
believe he would never have a chance with me.
However, that door opens in both directions. Ted failed in his part to clearly express his
interest in me in such a way so as to provide the safety for me to respond to
him with openness and receptivity to his advances. I didn’t even recognize he was making
advances. Part of what makes a man “a man” are his protective
instincts that long to care for a woman and his courage that compels him to
take the risk. So, I expect the man to
have more giblets than me and be willing to at least equally put them out
there. I have learned, if you want to
know what a man is thinking or feeling, look to his actions and not his
words. If he is interested, on some
level, he will be motivated to pursue and provide something to which I can then
respond.
Dating takes a lot of nerve for both men and women, even at
this late stage in the game. I am no
longer afraid of having the nerves, and I am no longer without having
nerve. Currently, I am only without
someone who makes me feel both. But now
I look forward to the day I do.
And that is my friendly vent for today.
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