As I begin my dating journey anew, I
have come to an interesting conclusion: when it comes to men, good
grief, I am clueless. I have genuinely endeavored to learn and grow,
and grateful I have done so. Still, I am finding myself at a loss in a
way that perplexes me.
Since I was a little girl, boys have been
some of my dearest friends. I have always been a girlie-girl,
preferring the company of boys. No drama, just fun. And they were so
different from my sisters and me, that I found them very interesting
specimens. They are Martians after all. I enjoyed riding bikes,
playing ball, climbing trees, catching frogs in the creek, all of that
"boy" stuff. It is only when the little green army men came into play
that I was outa there. Seriously, throughout my life, I have counted men among some of my dearest friends and so grateful for such a
blessing.
As I have grown older, I realize that part of the
ease I have enjoyed with men is because rarely am I romantically
attracted to them. Even as a little girl, when it came to boys, God
made me so picky. I am not a snob. Totally on the contrary. Trust me,
if I could MAKE myself attracted to more, I would. Having many options
is preferable. But for whatever reason, the whole pheromone factor in
my DNA is highly selective. I have learned the hard way how important
it is for me to have that "romantic" chemistry. I am a passionate woman
and I need to have that very masculine quality in a man that triggers
the very feminine "Ginger" in me to come out and play.
Add to
this, I am a very nice, warm, and friendly person. No pretense or game
playing. I have never been the clingy or needy type. I am just very
comfortable being me. While most people see this as a plus, there is
this seeming downside to it when it comes to men and dating.
First
of all, men misinterpret my kindness as
more than friendship, thus having 1 of 2 reactions: "Oh no, she likes
me!" or "Oh cool, she LIKES me." And then they get all weird on me,
changing the natural meter of our interaction from that point. Ugh
The
second issue is, we tend to believe others are like us (and we
cannot make this mistake with Martians). I am a nice person and so I
assume that when men are nice to me that is all it is. I NEVER assume
he is "interested." Unless a man actually comes right out and tells me
he IS, I naturally assume he is not. See what I mean? Clueless.
I
am just the kind of lady who needs a man to be as direct with me as he
needs me to be with him. It has such a positive impact - turns me on.
I don't chase men. But a confident man (one I am attracted to)
pursuing me opens up my heart to him as God designed it to be.
And
at this point is where it gets perplexing and frustrating for me.
Because if I AM interested, I am still going to be my nice, friendly
self. And this can be misinterpreted by men as me feeling more than I am in that moment. Especially in the beginning when someone
does not really know me at all. This plays out more with the online
dating venue. They cannot hear my voice, see my face, feel my energy.
Initially, all that exists are the words written. And if a man
actually makes me feel a little nervous (that is a good sign for me!)
then I might be apt to not be as articulate. Normal for anyone. I may
mean one thing, but the man hears something totally different. And THAT
is my challenge; how to communicate in a way the remains genuine, but
at the same time he hears the point I intend.
For example, I
recall trying to compliment a guy for being quality, that he actually
interested me, and he heard "snob." He ended the conversation shortly
thereafter. Another guy asked me how the online dating thing was going
for me and I replied that it was "interesting" so far... that the
online thing can be challenging.... he took it like I wanted to meet
already, right after "hello," and shut the conversation down. What did
he know about me? Nothing! He had no idea how special he was to be
among the few I was open to, let alone how slowly I prefer to take
things. I was merely open to him in a way I am not to most other men.
Open just means "open," not ready to plan a wedding! And for me,
"open" is a big deal. But what I said did not come out right, he made a
snap judgment, and it was over before it ever began.
I want to
learn and grow and do my part, but I am not going to twist myself into a
pretzel to do it. I will put forth the effort but I need a mature man
who is willing to do the same. It is really going to take a special
kind of man who can discern there is so much more there than meets the
eye, all worth pursuing. And to have that treasure, as warm as I am, he
will have to pursue it. My warmth means the menu is open, it does not
mean they have the whole enchilada already.
So, for all I have
learned, I have so much more to learn to better communicate with men in
an effective way, so that what I mean is what they get. And I am
looking for that special man who has the maturity to make an equal
effort to understand the truth about me.
Even with all of my
frustrations in learning, growing pains if you will, I love men and the
gift that God has made them to be in our lives. Yes, men are totally
from Mars. But I love that they are. I would not have it any other
way.
And that is my friendly vent today.
**NOTE:
I have taken many courses in the effort to learn, grow, and do
relationships better moving forward, all which has totally helped me to
date. If you would like the benefit of any of these materials, please
email me at: fourallthesingleladies@yahoo.com
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