Today I am feeling uncharacteristically blue. So, I apologize in advance for not sounding like my usual optimistic self. I just need to share some "realness" here.
It has been over 11 years since I have been a part of the "dating world." After the sad ending of a 9 year relationship, I took some time to heal, regroup, and just "do me," as they say. I have never been better with me and my world, never more whole, secure and content. I am confident about the kind of partner I am, and I'm excited about what I could have and share.
So, at the encouragement of some wonderful friends who genuinely care about me, I have "put myself out there" once again. But after about 6-8 months of this, I am weary of it. This butterfly in-the-making feels like climbing back inside the cocoon for a while - I may not be done baking yet.
I admit, I never thought I would be at this place at this time in my life - still single and dating. I am not desperate. I don't have to have a man. But at my age, I just prefer to have the right one already. I should be enjoying, not still "looking". Truth be told, I don't really want to look. Looking is what we did in our teens and 20's. I should be enjoying children and preparing for grandchildren like the rest of my friends. Yet here I am, 48, single, with a full and happy heart and life, but minus someone wonderful with whom to share it all. Just feels so out of place for the whole of my life.
Ultimately, in my heart of hearts, I know that God knows who, where, when and how. Since opportunities are limited, I have subscribed to online dating venues, just trying to broaden the scope through which God can bring along "Mr. Right for me."
Yet the whole process causes me such ambivalence. Every day it is the same thing. I am "matched" with men that are not a match for me, contacted by men I am not attracted to and do not want to reject or hurt, and I find myself at an unusual loss as to how to "connect" with the few to whom I am even remotely open.
Add to this, I am pursued by married men who do not make the case for restoring my confidence in a man's ability to be faithful. Additionally, many of my single male friends "get weird" on me. I actually had one friend audaciously proclaim that he knew "damn well" that if he said he wanted to, I would totally want to get busy with him. WRONG! Seems I cannot be too warm and friendly with my single male friends, give them a compliment or enjoy their friendship too much. Sends the wrong signal, God forbid, and they are so SURE they have me all figured out - that I "like" them. Ugh Who needs any of this?
Pulling up my big girl britches, I am just trying to kindly and graciously work with the hand dealt to me.
I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to work on myself, trying to better understand men and relationships, and sincerely making the concerted effort to learn and grow. I can humbly say, I am a gift for the man who has what it takes to capture my heart. I am looking for the one special man who has the maturity to see past the superficial kindnesses, and even nervous awkwardness, to the depth of what a true gift that could be for him, should he be so lucky. I am not the average bear in the forest on any level. There is so much more good there than meets the eye.
I am a mature woman looking for a mature partner and just ready to meet this uniquely special man already. I am ready to get on with our lives, enjoy the journey, support each others dreams and goals, and look forward to growing old together. Loving with all of our hearts - is that not the beautiful simplicity of what life is all about? It is this treasured gift I hope to both offer and find. Perhaps one day soon I might.... and gratefully and finally leave my dating blues behind... for good.
And that is my friendly vent for the day.
No comments:
Post a Comment